Solo adopter? Yes, but most definitely not alone.

Solo adopter? Yes, but most definitely not alone.
Reflections on beginning my journey to adoption with St Andrew’s Children’s Society.

Adoption has always been something I’ve thought about and in recent years had surfaced as the route I could really imagine taking to become a parent. It’s at once the most exciting and the most terrifying prospect but I know in my gut I’m on the right path and that after some careful thinking, I’ve found the right team to support me.

Reading and reflecting before taking the leap

My career has always been in education so I’m a thinker and a learner at heart. I spent hours and hours weighing up the opportunities and challenges of adoption before taking any steps; reading, researching and listening to other people’s experiences on podcasts. While most of that has been useful, I think the most helpful thing I did when trying to decide which organisation to go on this journey with, was to stop and think carefully about what really mattered to me. As a solo prospective adopter, I knew a few things were key for me; I was seeking guidance from experts who would take the time to get to know me properly. I wanted to know I would be included and accepted as a solo adopter and that I wouldn’t feel ‘different’ or ‘less than’. I was hoping to discover a community where I felt connected and perhaps most importantly, I needed to know that the support and learning opportunities within that community would be long-lasting.

First (and second and third) impressions matter

I’ve now been on my journey towards adoption for 6 months and have never felt surer than listening to my gut when making big decisions is definitely the way to go! From the very first contact I made, I felt the overwhelming sense that St Andrew’s Children’s Society is an organisation where human connections are absolutely key to everything that happens. The first step I took was attending an online information session where I was struck by the warmth and approachability of the staff. They were sharing important information to a diverse audience in an accessible way and responded with patience and kindness to every question which was asked. One of the most memorable parts of that call was when one of the team unmuted herself, smiled and said ‘I’m just reading the room here. There are some worried looking faces and I wonder if it’s important for us just to go back over what we’ve just covered to clarify any concerns. There’s a lot in this so let’s just check in.’ Having attended many an online meeting where screens felt more like a wall, this was a powerful response to really noticing how the information being shared was landing with the audience. It was also hugely helpful for me as I was, without a shadow of a doubt, one of the worried faces that had been clocked!

Next, I had an initial enquiry call which involved an informal chat with a duty social worker on the phone; she was friendly, kind and again patient with my multiple questions. I submitted my form that Friday night and had a response the following Monday offering me a meeting with a social worker in person. Admittedly, I didn’t think about it at the time, but I now realise that even that first response email aligned with what I wanted from an agency. Unlike other organisations I’d approached, I got a quick, personalised response from an actual human who used my name instead of an automatic generated response. It might seem small, but it was something that really set St Andrew’s Children’s Society apart from the outset. Every opportunity to build connections seems to be taken; no matter how small.

That first face to face meeting was something I felt quite nervous about; in the lead up, I couldn’t shake the temptation to prepare like I was going into a meeting at work. Was I ready with the right questions? Would I come across the way I wanted to? What would they think about me wanting to do this on my own? Now that I’m working with the same social worker I met that first day, I have no doubt that she knew all of this was churning through my head at the time and she just went with it! She couldn’t have done more to help me relax and ease into the chat and when she left that gut feeling resurfaced; she was kind, patient and open to my long list of questions and she represented an organisation who really cared about the children they place and the people who want to adopt them. Timings aligned for me and I managed to grab a space on the next prep group just a few weeks later.

Small acts of kindness with huge impact

If I thought I was nervous for the first meeting at home, the morning of the prep group was something else! As I headed into Leith to join the first day, I was hopeful I’d not feel like the ‘odd one out’. I’d already been reassured by the social worker I’d met that there’d be a really mixed bunch of people and the in-person welcome to the office was consistent with all the interactions which had come before. The prep group sessions are worth a whole other blog in themselves as they were such a valuable learning experience, but what fits here is a mention for the small moments in those days. A smiley check-in from office staff or duty social workers, consistent warm welcomes on each day, remembering and using each person’s name in the group and again reading the room and responding to what we all needed – just a few examples of how I noticed a community was being actively created.

With a house move in the middle of my assessment journey, I’ve had a unique experience of visiting the office quite regularly to see my social worker. I see this as a real privilege for a couple of reasons; firstly, the response from the agency from the outset was that the transition of my move needn’t slow down my process to begin the journey. This was a huge relief to me as I was keen to get going. Secondly, I’ve been able to see familiar faces on a few visits and they’ve each reminded me – probably without even realising! – that St Andrew’s Children’s Society will see you and support you as an individual. I remember one particular interaction with a member of staff from the admin team where she greeted me by name, even noticed I’d had a haircut and then asked if I was excited now that I had a panel date in the calendar – all while making me a cup of tea! When I think about the number of interactions she must have on a daily basis and the amount of information she must have to deal with, I’m struck by the fact that making these small gestures of connection have such a significant impact. The fact that she knew about me and my progress and took an interest in checking in really spoke volumes to me.

Building up a holistic picture and bringing in new perspectives

Without a doubt, a huge part of the feeling of having landed on my feet at St Andrew’s Children’s Society is down to the relationship I’ve built with my social worker. Despite my tendency to (over!) think and the fact that I’m always full of questions, I’m yet to find anything that phases my social worker and she has become an absolute anchor as I navigate the process. Throughout our conversations there have been tears, laughter, deep reflection and some important realisations. I’ve never felt rushed and always felt seen with consistent, small reminders that as a solo adopter I come with an important offering rather than something missing. While I know that, at this stage, I don’t really have any grasp of the challenges (or the wonderful times) that could lie ahead for me as my family grows, I feel so confident that I’m going to be well supported by someone who has taken time and care to really get to know all about me.

Looking forwards with hope

I have had moments over the last months where I’ve thought a lot about how extensive the process is to be approved as a prospective adopter or foster carer. I recognise totally the importance of making sure that each child and young person who is placed is matched with someone who has been really rigorously assessed and who has taken time to think deeply about their capacity to parent through adoption. While I’m still only in the first part of this journey towards adoption and there will no doubt be challenges and bumps on the road ahead, I’m thankful for the small and consistent reminders from all at St Andrew’s Children’s Society that I might be flying solo but I’m most certainly not alone!

Ready to take the next step in your solo adoption journey?

If you would like to find out more about becoming a solo adopter through St Andrew’s Children’s Society, please call 0131 454 3370 or email info@standrews-children.org.uk. You can also complete an initial enquiry form here: Enquire – St Andrew’s Children’s Society

Written by a St Andrew’s Children’s Society solo adopter.